There is a particular stage of life when it can feel as though everyone needs something from you. You may have children that still need you perhaps practically, emotionally or financially whilst at the same time, your parents may be getting older and beginning to need more support. You may find yourself thinking about their health, their independence and what the future might hold.

Somewhere in the middle of all this, there is you. Midlife can be a time of enormous change. It can also be a time when we begin to question who we are beyond the roles we have become so used to fulfilling.

You may feel caught in the middle and recognise the feeling of being pulled in different directions. There could be decisions to make around schools or universities, as your adult children are finding their feet. You may also be experiencing relationship difficulties, work pressures or financial worries. At the same time there may be some concerns about an ageing parent, the need to support parent/s with hospital appointments and some difficult conversations about your parent/s future independence or the growing realisation that the roles within your family are beginning to change.

You can find yourself becoming the person everyone turns to and play some or all of the following roles; the organiser, the problem solver, the person who remembers everything and the one who keeps everyone else going.

And while you may love your family deeply, constantly being needed can become exhausting, especially if some of these roles are outside of your own skill set and capabilities. Quite naturally you could sometimes reach a point where you quietly wonder “But who is looking after me?”

 

Your children can start to need you differently and one of the more unexpected parts of midlife can be watching your children grow into adulthood. You may have spent years being needed in very practical ways. Then gradually, the relationship changes. They may leave home, develop their own relationships, make decisions you wouldn’t necessarily make yourself, or turn to you less often.

This can bring enormous pride — but also sadness. You can love watching your child become independent while simultaneously missing the version of family life you once knew. There can be a sense of loss in these changes, even when everything is going well. And sometimes the challenge is learning how to remain connected without taking responsibility for everything they experience.

 

At the other end of the family, you may begin to notice changes in your own parents. Perhaps they are becoming less independent. Maybe they need help with appointments, finances, technology or everyday tasks. Perhaps you’re worrying about their health or noticing that they are no longer quite the people you remember them being. This can be emotionally complicated and there may be love, concern and gratitude, but also frustration, sadness, fear or even anger.

You may find yourself grieving the gradual loss of the parents you once relied upon, while simultaneously trying to support them. The roles can begin to reverse and that reversal isn’t always easy.

 

You may feel a pressure to hold everything together and when you’re used to being the person who copes, it can be surprisingly difficult to admit that you’re struggling.

You might tell yourself things like “Other people have it worse”, “I should be able to manage”, “It’s just a busy phase” or “I’ll deal with myself when things settle down.”

But what if things don’t settle down? Sometimes the problem isn’t that you aren’t coping well enough, it’s that you have been carrying too much for too long. Feeling overwhelmed doesn’t mean you’re failing. It may simply be a sign that something needs attention.

 

Midlife can bring questions that have been quietly waiting beneath the surface like Who am I now and what do I actually want? What happens when my children need me less and what do I want the next chapter of my life to look like? And have I spent so much time looking after everyone else that I’ve lost touch with myself?

These questions can feel unsettling, but they can also be an invitation. Midlife doesn’t have to be about losing your identity. It can be about rediscovering parts of yourself that have been put to one side.

It could be helpful to make space for yourself, as looking after yourself isn’t selfish and is necessary if you are relating to any of the above. You don’t have to wait until you are completely exhausted before acknowledging that you need support.

Sometimes having somewhere to talk can make a significant difference — a space where you don’t have to be the strong one, the practical one or the person who has all the answers.

Counselling can offer an opportunity to step outside your usual roles for a while and think about what you need, what you feel and what you want. You don’t have to have everything worked out before you ask for help. Sometimes, simply having someone listen without judgement can be the beginning of finding your way through a complicated period of life.

Because even when everyone else needs you, you matter too.

If any of the above resonates with you and you would like to consider counselling to support you, please feel free to reach out to arrange a free without obligation consultation via my contact form.